December 20th, 2014 1:23am we went communication black out. Like couples who stay away from one another days before a wedding to really revel in the anticipation. More than anything our distance not talking didn't give me any time to freak out and shut down...he didn't have the option to bail without the option to say he wasn't coming.
I can see that now though at the time all I could think and see was bumblebees.
Bumblebees is how Nic quickly helped me to re-percieve my anxiety.
Rowan's first laugh broke through the sound waves today. Nic and I were laughing so hard we were both crying. Today was my first day back at work and the. struggle. was. real. It's almost like I forgot how to run my business. Definitely out of practice on being my own boss. I had no idea what the hell I was doing all day. I sat down at my desk all official like but then opened Facebook to aimlessly stare. Wrote a very short brain dump and then less than 5 minutes after the whole thing began Ro woke up.
This morning we're waking up to the aftermath of arguably one of the most important elections to ever grace our history. For the first time a woman ran for the Oval Office. Her opponent, an uber rich business man and reality tv star. Truth be told, I don't believe either were good choices and the vast majority of the world would agree. When casting our ballot we were put between a rock and a hard place; ones a corrupt liar, the other...a crooked hate monger. The later won.
I'm writing to tell you that regardless of what you may hear to the contrary, there are things I know with absolute certainty; all human beings are created equal and deserve equal rights, dignity and respect.
So here I am all attached to the pump and writing for only the time it will take to empty my milk jugs before crawling back into bed. It’s very hard to type around the awkward tubes while making sure I’m leaned forward enough for milk to flow down instead of pouring back and somehow have my back supported at the same time. Also, I am naked obviously. I farted and it smells like moldy laundry so…that too. I’d take a photo but alas, dairy cow is hooked to the wall so can’t retrieve a phone to selfie.
In one week I turn 29 and it suddenly feels like shit has gotten real. Like I'm officially an adult or something. At 25 I hit a pretty hardcore quarter life crisis that prompted me to get my life together but I'm still waiting to feel like I know what I'm doing. From what I've gathered that point never hits and we're all just lying to ourselves and eachother pretending like we have any idea how to adult. I may be just winging it but there is a long list of things I have definitely decided I no longer have room for in my life at 29.
1- Other people liking me.
Day1. November 1st. I’m an imposter. At least it feels like it. Hiding out in my Slytherin robe among the real writers at NanonWriMo. There are over a dozen people camped out across tables in Denny’s down by the river. Its Halloween night and I’ve got my wand to my right. There’s a panda, devil, a couple furry hats and two other figures hiding beneath hoods. Its feel like home.
I feel hopeless but I'm not helpless.
Angry. Irrationally so is mostly how it's manifesting. Whats scary is that this is how you used to feel almost all the time; this internal rage like embers on a fire just waiting for a dry fresh piece of wood to ignite, this is how I used to always feel.
They say having kids brings everything up.
All the things left to be processed and karma to be burned off comes to the surface if you allow it to happen. I have no idea who the fuck 'they' are. Honestly, I could have said it as a way to explain how I'm feeling but who the hell knows.
It feels like there is nothing I know right now.
Thats how many placenta pills I have left. I just took one an hour ago but before then it’d been over 24 hours. Maybe I need to bring my dose back up to one a day but I’m afraid. Afraid of what will happen when they run out and how I’ll feel. Probably something like this…ironic. Prematurely creating my fear in attempts to prolong it from happening.
So it is at times.
To feel eaten alive.
Such is the nature of the beast,
being an Artist I mean.