Am I depressed? 6week/7week Postpartum Update
October 11th, 2016
I am exactly 6weeks postpartum today sitting on my couch puffing on my CBD oil vape pen trying to decide if I’m depressed or not.
Thats how many placenta pills I have left. I just took one an hour ago but before then it’d been over 24 hours. Maybe I need to bring my dose back up to one a day but I’m afraid. Afraid of what will happen when they run out and how I’ll feel. Probably something like this…ironic. Prematurely creating my fear in attempts to prolong it from happening.
And THIS is why I write. I’d have had no idea about this withdrawal off my hormonal high dynamic otherwise.
There’s for sure extenuating factors to the depressive feeling as well. Like that I decided to visit Hastings tonight and they’re on their last raspy, gasping breathe. Walking through the empty shelves of leftover books was depressing as hell! Note to self- being an empath it’s not advised to enter a building where everyone has given up. Poor employees who are losing their nerdy haven.
I dyed my hair a dark blue hue over my brown today. Got new lularoe leggings and am going to set the precedence to get ready again. That makes me feel gross for sure…just sitting and wallowing in my hamburger helper smell in sweat pants saturated in spit up.
There isn’t even any warning to his spewing…it just falls out of his face all chunky and such. Rowan is starting to get more expressive. I’m not the only one who’s going on 6 weeks of something here.
He makes new noises, this dinosaur kinda squeaks and cute little moan things. His cry is a lot more intense and he’s definitely become more demanding. Officially, he’s outgrown nearly all his newborn clothes and I’m putting the first batch for our next baby away in the box at the bottom of his closet.
This morning his grunting kept me up but his body perpendicular to my body with feet resting on my ribcage kept him asleep hours longer than usual. Then he was awake for much longer…10:30 to nearly 2:30 today. After that we slept again only both really well. Him laying on his side on the ottoman with my hand resting near his face.
He’s smiling more. Little ones in his awake moments and several more in his sleep. I can’t wait to hear him giggle. Nic has a few times. It’s the damn beard…it gets me too kid.
My wrists are hurting and joints are getting stuck more often. I haven’t been stretching or working out and recommitted to a show streaming binge. The Leftovers on HBO; its signifcantly shorter than Switched at Birth so should be over soon. Right now I’m staring at the screen for the final episode of Season1 and I’m doing so without any guilt.
That’s a new feeling for me. To let myself exist guilt free.
Just being where I’m at, meeting myself here is good enough for now. Fourth trimester is half way over and we’re still learning how to do this. I’m proud of myself, proud of all three of us. We’re doing such a good job. I’ve even got clean dishes and a load of finished laundry in the dryer so basically I’m a fucking super hero.
I release all expectations on myself and just allow things to come to fruition and they are meant to. Keep a vision in my mind then release the steps to the Universe. I trust, follow my intuition and believe in limitless possibilities.
October 17th, 2016
I let myself sit in the feeling of sadness for a week to see what it was. How I really felt. Why it was happening and how it was manifesting.
I was trying to count how many times I've been depressed but couldn't keep them straight. It wasn't really until 3 years ago I would have even classified any of my experiences by that word despite having bouts of extreme lows including a weak suicide attempt at 15. There was another big hole my freshman year of college, one in the spring of 2012 after a big breakup, Feb-March of 2015 when I got on anti-depressants for 8weeks and then this past Jan-Feb during my first trimester which I'm pretty sure tried to kill me.
This is the first time I noticed I was feeling down and then decided to sit with it. Really let myself look at it and feel it and just be in it. Figure out what the hell it was and why I was feeling that way and really talk about it without needing to change it. Three days after asking if I was depressed, Nic and I went out to Chinese food and I told him, "that postpartum depression thing is starting to hit. I'm just feeling sad and overwhelmed."
The weird part about it is that it's over the nothingness, the repetitive things that take up so much time and in the life of my newborn are everything yet feel like a whole lot of nothing. Breastfeeding, changing diapers, cleaning up puke, doing more fucking laundry, having to make myself food again because I'm constantly starving yet don't often want to eat....over and over and over. Writing it out no wonder I'm feeling like I'm underwater. All of that shit, literally, is monotonous.
So after a week of sitting in it and watching more Netflix and sleeping whenever he did I am ready to move on out of it. I see where I am craving change.
First: it's clinically proven that up to 50% of depression can be cured by simple lifestyle changes to reduce inflammation aka eating clean, working out, meditation, yoga, good vibing yourself.
So that is the plan. I started on the wellness wagon two weeks ago but was just doing it out of habit, knowing ultimately it's where I needed to be in order to be happy but without having any of my own WHY reasons for where I am at now. I didn't know how I was feeling or what I was seeking or where I wanted to be because I hadn't really figured out where or who the hell I was.
I want to feel calm; I am catching angry at everything which is where I used to live and I don't like it. I can't believe that used to be my normal. It's those actions that make me feel in control of who I am. They give me the awareness and clarity to respond to life instead of react. I do not like the way I react if left unchecked. It's typically like a crazy bitch, typically I regret it.
The most important thing for me is to create. Being always making something and have a space to inject my soul into else it feels trapped and I suffocate. That's what all of those other dark hole moments have had in common, a lack of creative living.
So this is the first step. Not just writing but putting it out there and deciding to just do it for me. Not because someone is going to see it or read it or that I'll gain new followers or it will be good for my business or any of the other bullshit external reasons I've been seeking to commit to blogging before now.
Because it makes me happy.
Because writing and speaking my truth makes me feel authentic and fulfilled.
Because motherhood alone isn't enough to overflow my cup and that is okay.
Because I fucking want to. I don't need to. Just because I want to and that is good enough.
Welcome to theConfashional. I may be a shit show but damnit, I look good doing it.
- Entire outfit is TJ Maxx except those killer over the knee boots Nic got me for Christmas last year. I'll hunt down the brand of the boots in a future post. For now, baby is hungry and I need a nap. Love darlings!