My plan to Beat PostPartum Depression - 3 Things
I feel hopeless but I'm not helpless.
Angry. Irrationally so is mostly how it's manifesting. Whats scary is that this is how you used to feel almost all the time; this internal rage like embers on a fire just waiting for a dry fresh piece of wood to ignite, this is how I used to always feel.
They say having kids brings everything up.
All the things left to be processed and karma to be burned off comes to the surface if you allow it to happen. I have no idea who the fuck 'they' are. Honestly, I could have said it as a way to explain how I'm feeling but who the hell knows.
It feels like there is nothing I know right now.
Except my parents may have been right. Ugh...just saying that makes me angry.
"Life goes by so fast, you have no idea. One day you're going to look back at this month of being grounded, not even able to remember it and wonder where they hell your teenage years went."
Yep. Right on that one.
"You think you know everything but the older you get the less you'll know."
Right on the money.
So here I am....lost.
Rowan will be 8 weeks old in precisely 33 and a half hours. I am in the throws of postpartum depression. Nic seems to be doing fine which makes me angry too. Why is it that men don't get any of this internal chaos we do? Make the babies...birth the babies...feed the babies. Try to figure out how the hell to function like a normal human after having the babies. Your body is wrecked. Your hormones are a complete fucking mess.
My arms are covered in zits. My boobs are unrecognizable. I feel like I'm meeting my vagina for the very first time and we used to be very best friends. I've lost about 30lbs in the last 2 months from breastfeeding alone but I still have 40 to go and a ton of muscle to put on in order to feel my best. Not just visually but physically. I hurt and the extra weight on my knees is torture. Wonder what my stomach is going to look like when this skin comes back in...
So I feel hopeless. Like this feeling is never going to go away and he's never going to not need me 24/7 and like I'll never get my body as mine ever again but I am not helpless.
I am doing things to make myself feel better. I am loving myself extra hard and love is an action.
It is a Sunday so naturally tomorrow is the very perfect day to begin something new. A new phase of self discovery and getting lost to find myself. In the past I have put so much pressure on myself to do something BIG with newness and while I have succeeded I also typically get burnt out. Not this time, this time we are going to be real gentle and allow small steps to get us to a mile. I don't need to be a sprinter to the finish line this time, just a slow jog and occasional walk will get us there just fine.
Where is there exactly?
I am only giving myself 3 things that are absolutely necessary. Only 3 things to complete every day in order to be successful. I can absolutely do 3 simple things.
#1: T25 I am getting my body back. Between now and New Year's I have a goal for another 20lbs down. I miss my clothes and want the enjoy the full range of creativity in my closet. I want to feel confident when wearing a tight shirt and for my leggings to not cut into my waist. Weight loss also means gaining muscle and the stronger I am the less stress on my joints meaning the less chronic pain.
I have exactly 10weeks starting tomorrow before the New Year which is the exact length of T25. Despite being a Coach for over 3 years I have actually never completed a full program, start to finish, on schedule in the time allotted. I have always missed or skipped days and I can do this. I am going to do this.
I am also scared to commit. What if I can't do it? How am I going to keep myself committed when I have failed at following by the book every single time I've tried before? I always tell myself it's okay to miss a day and that it doesn't matter and that I won't care that much but then I feel like a loser. Not this time. I need this. I really, really need this; somewhere to channel my anger, a place to feel in control, something to boost my endorphins and give myself time alone.
That brings me to...
#2: Write every single day. That is how I am going to keep myself accountable. Sharing my journey, being open and honest with myself every single day. It's okay for me to feel however I am going to feel but not okay for me to use those feelings as an excuse to give up. Even if my writing is just talking about how very much I don't want to do any of my 3 things that day but doing them anyway. That is okay. I don't need to 'be' anything...not an inspiration or a Coach or someone who knows what they're doing....I have permission to just be exactly me.
#3: Meditate. 5 minutes. That's it. Silence. If I want to do a guided mediation after that or sit for longer I can but let's just start there. No requirement for yoga or a 20 minute sitting session or any of those super yogi things I was doing before because none of that matters. That is not who I am right now and that woman was a different person. That's okay too. I don't know who I am right now and I am giving myself permission to start back at the very beginning. Make friends with my mat again which is also currently making me angry.
Here is to a new adventure. I am going to kill it. This is basecamp and tomorrow I begin the slow climb up the mountain. I can't wait to see the view with my newly formed perspective. This journey is going to be amazing.
Want to join me and looking for accountability on making your own healthy lifestyle change? Click here to join our WakeUp Warriors Wellness Community. I can also get you hooked up with the same tools I'm using to battle my depression and anxiety that have worked wonders for me before so I know they're going to be the perfect tools for this time too.