I am giving myself 21 minutes to write it out and then I'm cuddling down with my BFF, Kindle to breathe myself to sleep in another world.
I'm upstairs in bed.
The rest of them are downstairs in the hot tub.
It's the anxiety that got me here ultimately because its partly to blame for triggering the flare up. Making new friends is scary. When is this going to stop feeling like middle school?
I'm also in here because I want to be. It's not that I didn't want to be hanging out with everyone else, it's just I'd rather hang out with myself instead. No one can make me happier than me. My favorite moments ever are Nic and I sharing a mutual space both doing our favorite things separately;
This group of people and what hanging out looks like brings back things that hurt. That boy who broke me in a way that made it easy to break others. I also felt awaked and weird. Like I should e liking doing certain things when I was just really afraid of being alone. When I learned to numb.
It was so fun though. I'm working through..
trying to figure out if I've always had the anxiety....
If I got it after everything crashed down
or if I just woke up.
I for sure woke the fuck up. I think I always felt this way...
Nic read my numberology that said my life path was to overcome adversity and my word was triumph. It feels like that this week. Since falling down the stairs last week my body has been on fire. My friend Lexie offered to give me a massage tomorrow. I am going to consciously allow myself to receive that love without any negative attachment to it. Any need to keep score or feel anything but grateful. I am lovable and worthy.
I got in the hot tub naked tonight and decided to fake it til I made it. Just feel as connfident in my body like I did when I was jacked. I didn't but this is my body now and I am not going to wait for it to look some fucked arbitrary idea of woman. I am beautiful and sexy just like this. If I just own it.
So I took a deep breath and stripped down naked and sat on the high seat so I didn't get too hot with my stretch marked breasts on loan barely skimming the water.