Welcome to my happy hippie misadventures of self discovery in artistry, marriage and motherhood merrily carrying the baggage of mental health and an autoimmune disease. I promise to keep things interesting and almost always look damn good while doing it. BTW my baby ruins lives and you'll hate me for my husband. 

29 Things I Stopped Giving a F*ck about at 29

29 Things I Stopped Giving a F*ck about at 29

In one week I turn 29 and it suddenly feels like shit has gotten real. Like I'm officially an adult or something. At 25 I hit a pretty hardcore quarter life crisis that prompted me to get my life together but I'm still waiting to feel like I know what I'm doing. From what I've gathered that point never hits and we're all just lying to ourselves and eachother pretending like we have any idea how to adult. 

So I may be just winging it but there is a long list of things I have definitely decided I no longer have room for in my life at 29. 

1- Other people liking me. 
I have been clinging to the need for others approval since grade school and I am just over it. There are plenty of people in this world I don't like so why would I give a shit that there are inevitably people who don't care of my particular flavor either? Like me or don't. I no longer give a shit. 

2- Looking like I have it all together. 
I don't and neither do you. I'm human and find it refreshing to celebrate that. I hope to live in a world where being vulnerable with your imperfections can become our normal. I will be leading the pack proudly displaying my pretty little mess. 

3- If my hair is done or my makeup is on before I leave the house. 
There was a point where I cared about being all put together when I went into public but after living out on the road with the guarantee I wouldn't be seeing people repeatedly I let that go. I may be back living in my home town and running into everyone from high school but I'm too busy to make sure this mop is always on point. 

4- Defining my success by anyone else's terms.
I did the expected thing....college degree, good corporate job with benefits, engaged living in the suburbs...and I was miserable. So I decided to do things my way and say fuck it to expectations and ideas on what being a successful adult should look like. I've never been happier. 

5- Caring what my parents think. 
Alright, I know this is a big one but it's been absolutely necessary for me to live my life happy. Our parents love us and want the best for us. Most times, they don't necessarily understand the pathway we're on and that's okay. You can love them and they can love you anyway but I don't need their approval anymore. I'm happy and my life is mine. 

6- Toxic or negative friends. 
The more positive changes in my life I make and the longer I'm on the path the more it seems people just aren't a good fit anymore. I've learned to let them go without it being a big deal. Instead of cutting them out, I just focus on other aspects of my life instead and they ones who need to go just naturally seem to fall away. 

7- Societal ideals on what it means to be beautiful. 
Do I need to go into detail on this? You are absolutely amazing and beautiful and anyone who wants to tell you that you don't fit can go fuck themselves. End of story. 

8- The pressure to fold and put away my laundry the same time I wash it. 
Hey...it's clean. I'm kicking ass over here! 

9- Other's expectations on how I should act. 
I'm a new mom so this is coming to a whole new level these days and is exactly what allows me to put my middle finger in the air to anyone who wants to preach against how I choose to do things. As I said in the beginning, you don't have any fucking idea what you're doing either. I'll do me, you do you. 

10- Any concepts of what 'lady-like' means. 
Traditional ideas on what feminism looks like can suck it. That includes anyone who thinks I shouldn't be saying 'suck it' or 'fuck off' or any other variation of four letter words. I'm a damn lady. 

11- The need to explain or defend myself. 
There is this thing we do as women...we feel like we have to justify ourselves in order to be seen as intelligent or important or like our decisions are valid. I am doing what I'm doing simply because I decided to do it and that's enough. 

12- Being afraid of other women. 
Like every other female on the planet I have more knife wound marks in my back perpetrated by my own gender than I can count. I have allowed those negative experiences to make me bitter and guarded against other women which is only keeping me from possible amazing relationships. I am choosing to trust that my vibe will attract my tribe and that women can be trusted. 

13- Fear of sharing my creativity. 
Art scars, a feeling of inadequacy around my creativity, are some of the most painful I carry with me. When I was little I drew a picture without being concerned with anyone's reaction and did it just because I wanted to. I handed it to my teacher to be hung on the wall because I thought my work was awesome. I am living in that same mindset because why the fuck not? 

14- The fear of rejection. 
The things that aren't meant for me won't be mine and allow space for the opportunities I am truly aligned with. It's okay if someone doesn't like me or my work, I like me and have people who love me. That's enough. 

15- The mean internal talk. 
"You're fat." "You suck." "What a failure you are." 
Just enough already. I vow to be my own best friend because after nearly 3 decades of arguing with myself I'm too tired to keep participating. Say what you want mean voice, I'm done listening. 

16- Following the rules. 
Okay, lets not go overboard here....traffic regulations, laws and all that will still be followed but anything saying how I 'should' be doing anything is officially ignored. That includes my marriage, my business, parenting, creative expression and interactions in the world. Be a fucking snowflake.

17- Since we're discussing rules...any fashion do's and don'ts. 
This is within reason as well. One rule I am a firm believer in, wearing things that fit you. Also, keep your kitty in the cage. Other than that, do what you want. Be free little wild child. 

18- Eating like shit. 
I'm technically a grown up now which means I am old enough to know that I need to take care of myself if I want to feel good. I think this is technically something I am deciding to give a fuck about but 29 was way more than I thought it would be....just stick with me here. 

19- Diet guilt. 
So I'm going to eat my fruits and veggies but am not going to feel guilty when I want to eat a giant slice of cake or a box of hot tamales. You know....balance and shit. 

20- Stretch marks. 
I first got stretch marks covering my thighs and ass from years of restrictive eating habits and diet pill abuse. I'd put on weight and lose it so quickly my legs are proof. I've always hated them and felt ashamed of the fat that caused them. Now I have some from my baby boy too. So what. They are just proof of what my body has endured; good, bad and ugly. I don't like them but I'm over giving a fuck and having any reaction aside from indifferent. 

21- While we're at it, cellulite. 
So I've got some cottage cheese thighs. I like cottage cheese. It's delicious. 

22- Having matching socks. 
I haven't even given a shit about this one but I read this dumb ass article today for some reason and wanted to take the opportunity to tell anyone who thinks women, mothers or otherwise, need to adhere to any of this can fuck right off. 

23- Impressing people. 
This is one that came up while trying to decide what the hell I want to do with my life. I figure at 29 I should have some idea but so much as changed so quickly in the last 5 years of my life I am at a loss. Much of my motivation when I got on this journey was to feel important and special, which hey...it's pretty nice, but I am letting go of needing to seem cool or like what I'm doing is a big deal. Just doing what I feel authentic towards and where my passion lies is enough. Besides, my husband seemed super impressed with my blow job skills so I have that going for me. 

24- A bedtime. 
Mine, not my son's. That kid needs to get his ass to sleep by 10:30 so I can do whatever the hell I want. But I have been struggling my whole life saying I need to be asleep at a certain time thinking that's what will make me responsible somehow. Over it. I like staying up late. 

25- This list....
For real...I didn't realize how many things 29 was but I'm in now so might as well finish it out. Mama didn't raise no quitter.

26- Needing to connect and relate to everyone. 
This is repetitive to not caring is people like me but in my line of work needs to be said. My mom used to, well still kinda does, critique everything I wrote or shared in order to 'help me' connect better aka be more relatable to her and her friends. Whenever I have told her I don't care, which inside has been eating me alive, she points out that I am alienating people which felt so negative. Now I've learned that I need to alienate some people in order to really connect with my people. That's okay and something I am absolutely celebrating as of today. Now, come back and ask again the next time she says something that I have to let go of...easier said than done but dammit, this is my life! *See #5

27- Feeling negative about growing older. 
When I turned 25, I cried. Over how quickly it had happened and how much of a failure I was because it seemed like everyone had invented Facebook or Google by that time but me, I was barely graduating with my Bachelor's after 7 years of getting drunk and skipping class. I am very excited about this 29 thing and look forward to looking back at 30 over how kick ass this year will be. Ladies especially carry all this fear over another year which is just dumb. Own that shit. You survived and that's awesome. 

28- Making lists. 
Okay, stick with me here. I am one of those people who will write out an impossibly long 'to-do list', including things I have already done just so I can cross them off, and then if I don't get it complete I beat myself up. I learned at several seminars to just focus on a few doable things. Master list, sure, but overall, not needing to cross off for accomplishment anymore. Mostly, not ever signing myself up to a list of 29 anything ever again. 

29- Defining my happiness by anyone's standards but my own. 
I vow to stop carrying the weight of others expectations or opinions. Why? What's the point? One of the best phrases to support living this way is 'do they pay your bills?' In the case someone is the one paying for your lifestyle, you probably need to take their thoughts into account. Otherwise, fuck em. Fuck everything holding you back from being your true authentic self and living your life fully and freely. 

We were born to be fully human and it's our differences that make humanity so damn beautiful. Go forth ad live with your full self without shame and own who you are. Everything in the way can go right to hell. 

What are some of the things you've decided to do away with in your life? Did I miss any big ones for you? 

Day3 The Witching Hour - 3:27am Thoughts

Day3 The Witching Hour - 3:27am Thoughts

Day1 - Midnight Denny's WriteIn or Maybe I'll Commit

Day1 - Midnight Denny's WriteIn or Maybe I'll Commit