"Thanks for being such a good baby, baby. This means your sister is going to be a terrorist." I say to Ro as I stiff kneed rock him in the kitchen. Nic is making ultimate rabbit food.
It's absolutely beautiful. Don't get me wrong, it's delicious. But it's not Papa Murphy's pizza delicious. I just want comfort food right now. The instinct is to not feel these feelings. They feel too big. Like I'm being "too dramatic."
My counselor says I have a pattern of being invalidated. Based on what we discussed in our short first date it's been lifelong. That means this is a big lesson for me to learn. Something in my subconscious is calling this in. It's something I don't like so I'm going to change it.
I am so fucking sick of living in survival mode. I feel like this is the one that's got to break, not that we won't end up at the bottom again but not like this. It's crazy how quickly things can change. Nic says I like in 'worst case scenario' all the time. I do but I don't know how to stop.
I am viscerally afraid that good things in my life won't stay and thus I create some sort of self sabotaging vacuum. I don't even on a surface level believe that but somewhere deep in my quiet back of brain thoughts there is programming uttering so strongly its taking over.
Alright...we've got a game plan going forward.
*the uterus infection is on the mend. I took my last steroid/antiinflammatory today and have 3 more days of the antibiotic. I got a pelvic ultrasound yesterday that I still need to call about. -I need to get a planner to keep all this shit organized. Head's up...if you don't hear back from the Dr, call them. Sometimes things that are huge to you get lost in the cracks. Don't be rude and don't feel guilty. It's up to YOU to create the relationship with the Dr.
*I moved the MRI to January 3rd. It means I can get the infection cleared up and not have the extra noise in the way of what my body is really doing. That and it puts the bill on our next year's insurance deductible. I get a break for any more information for a while. Creating space for myself to breathe. That decision felt like I dropped a rock off my back.
*I need to lose weight; 40lbs to be exact. The chiropractor said my bones are 20 years older than they should be and my joints are creaking under my body as is, it's like I'm carrying around a giant bag of dog food extra from what my body's healthy is. God I miss heels. I need to just take a deep breathe and sell them. Breakup.
*I have a list of 10 coping mechanisms the counselor gave me and said that was my only job the next 3 days. It's the weekend so life takes a pause for a minute.
I feel like a goddamn goddess for making it through this week like I have. I could have done it better, you can always do better. But I am proud of how I did it. I tried really hard. I took a lot of deep breathes. I asked for help and gracefully accepted it. I learned so much from people and fee like I'm overflowing. Nic and I are still weird. This whole thing is weird.
Also these articles because people have been asking what the fuck is going on over here...
What EDS patients want Doctors to know