It's 6:47am and Rowan is still asleep. The mom instinct in me has checked him 3 times since of course, that must mean he's died instead of just sleeping longer.
Why is that the first thought? Is it because I'm still working through anxiousness or just a normal mom thing thanks to the alarming risk of SIDS and constant news reminding us just how fragile life is? Either way....if that kid isn't up by 7:01 I'm waking him.
I have hiccups and they hurt.
That's a funny thing too. How simple, normal life and body functions can have such a negative affect on your life if you allow them to. Like right now I'm considering tearing my esophagus out in order to make these damn spasms stop. I laugh at myself when I am struggling to find some sort of reason for gratitude on my hiccups instead of annoyance.
It's impressive how well I'm falling into high vibration thoughts these days and it's become such a habit to find the good I almost forget sometime things just suck. And that's okay to feel that way. As long as I'm in gratitude 51% of the time my life will still run smoothly, I can still manifest everything I want, I will still be happy and divine.
So Fuck You Hiccups. You can kindly leave now. It's too early for your bullshit.
The problem with that is it can be a slippery slope. Give permission to be pissed off about one thing and others make the roster too. That just won't do.
Thanks and shit for the awful spasms body, I've been reminding to drink more water and focus on my breathing deep into my belly.
"You are a powerful manifester." That's what my counsoler said to me yesterday. I knew that but it wasn't until I heard someone external speak it outloud I felt it. We were talking about my emotional well being. How I was feeling about my current trials, all of the baggage really, and that I had a strong belief I was taken care of. Things were aligning as they were long term meant to and I know in my soul I will look back at this time with fresh, full understanding of how it was part of the pathway getting me to where I want to be. Specifically we were discussing the decision to have consistent time on my own.
I am putting Rowan in some sort of care external from myself and his dad.
Three days a week.
I prefer the term child-minding over baby sitter. When I was little I for a spell was afraid of baby sitters since the term denoted some weird things going down. I was also very weary of 'baby showers' as I had no desire to watch this new mom and her infant bathe for the first time. Words have power.
I cried when I shared the decision with her. Like it was solid though I knew before going in there it's what I need.
Not wanting to be a stay at home mom. Not being cut out for long days home alone solo and just working small spurts during his nap time. Not feeling fulfilled by abundant time cuddling and cooing. Needing adult time and interaction more than just connecting over my kid.
Even now, feeling the need to justify and remind that I love him. I really do overwhelmingly love him. But I love me more. Before I can think of his needs, I must consider my own. Unless I put myself first everyone suffers. I won't be at my best or happiest and Nic will ultimately have to pick up the slack in filling my cup with the disparity. If I don't put my own happiness as the number one priority then how will my son possibly learn that value in himself?
He can't and he won't. Me taking space for myself matters greater than me. To try to keep forcing myself into a 'mom box' to which I don't fit will be at detriment to everyone involved.
I know that but it still feels hard to live it.
To be all the way in it.
It's 7:09 now and he's still not awake. I miss him. Need to smell his little head that's just a little less baby breath every single day. Feeling excitement over pulling him from bed instead of dread that I've had so little sleep is a nice emotion to experience. One I trust is going to be more frequent when our time overall is less.
Now, it's just deciding exactly what I want out of my absolutely perfect world child minder so I can be clear and concise in what what I'm working to manifest.