Hi. 
Welcome to my happy hippie misadventures of self discovery in artistry, marriage and motherhood merrily carrying the baggage of mental health and an autoimmune disease. I promise to keep things interesting and almost always look damn good while doing it. BTW my baby ruins lives and you'll hate me for my husband. 
Namaste.
luv/Te' 

Down the Rabbit Hole or Activly Meditating.

Guys, I love movies. Like, REALLY LOVE movies. So much that I got a degree in Film Studies. What the hell do you do with THAT you ask? My focus was Acting and I was going to be a MOVIE STAR on the Silverscreen.

I was serious about it too. I also have a degree in Communication. Built a career in Marketing while acting for free, taking classes and had an agent. As soon as I graduated from BSU the plan was moving to pursue it full time.

 

Then I met B. We fell in love. Hard. Fucking intoxicatingly. He quit his job, left his friends and moved away from his family across the state to be with me.

 

We were doomed from

The very

Beginning.

 

He did that for me. And I compromised my dreams.

 

We were built on a foundation of resentment, anger, insecurity. Little kids who felt neglected, disappointed, mistreated and abandoned. Sowed a lifetime before we were together. The only brick and mortar we had to piece together a life.

 

I think we before stayed around for the worst or eachother because we also got to feel the very best of eachother.

 

After only 4 months since the day we met and two weeks of weekends together he drove 4 hours and moved in with me. Even had to buy a truck to do it.

 

There were so many red flags. I was a red flag. Yet, he filled the empty hole in me and I him. Codependent on each others energy to live in the new high dynamic we created. Put eachother on an impossible pedestal expecting the other to make us happy. Took much responsibility to put on anyone. Too far for someone to fall. Resent over failure to fill an impossible void.

 

Until right now, tonight, I could only see his shortcomings. The overwhelming ways B had hurt me. Blind to the accountability of my inflicted wounds. That's not fair and pointing blame is not the work I am here to do.

 

Things I know for certain: The people in my life are mirrors of me. (cIM lesson &a series link) 

Anything recongnizable in him is only because that same energy resides in me too. The strategies of manifesting may differ but his asshole tendencies matched my crazy bitch status to a T. 

 

Its literally hard to swallow. 

My tongue is swollen in my mouth knowing I made him feel as low as I felt. Inadequate. Not good enough. Lonely. Alone. Insane.  

breathe. I wasn't breathing. When I write I use the beat of my tapping thumbs to rhythm out the my breaths. Active mediation is something I'm working on. I've become practiced at stillness. Connecting with white light energy has become habit. I wish to elevate to a more integrated flow. When I write just be all the way in writing.

Wholely in wholeness. 

Present.  

All the way in.  

Wet.

Fully human.  

i didn't expect to venture down the rabbit hole I did. This started as a post about Kubo Two Strings and how the movie literally changed me. I was watching it in bed with Nic while writing on my phone. The energy of the last few weeks have been so intense my magic was too much to contain and it was pouring out like a cloud of smoke. Seeming to touch everything. Signs and awareness in utter nothings.

The way Nic and I laid in the sheets. Like living in our single hotel room home in Selby. North Yorkshire, England. I'm still trying to figure out how I got there. Magic. The answer is always magic.  

i am simply a tool for the Godlike thing to work through me. The Universe. Such a mighty force the collective is. 

In conclusion, watch Kubo Two Strings. It's my current favorite movie and I haven't even watched it really. Just snippets in the background. 

Whatever unclosured shit you haven't dealt with...it's okay. Forgive yourself. Everytime I think I'm angry external to myself at the core is hurtful emotions I feel about me. I'm mad I wasn't better. That I didn't make better choices. That I should have done things differently. 

 

Its normal. We ALL do it. Every. Single. One of us.  

 

Kubo is about rewriting your story. Deciding the kind of person you want to be and finding evidence of it. Creating experiences that support it. People that support you in being the authentic you. Sounds a whole lot like a challenge group. Join January 9th. 

 

My Backbone is a Crocked Turn or Healing EDS

HotTub Tears or The day after Christmas