Welcome to my happy hippie misadventures of self discovery in artistry, marriage and motherhood merrily carrying the baggage of mental health and an autoimmune disease. I promise to keep things interesting and almost always look damn good while doing it. BTW my baby ruins lives and you'll hate me for my husband. 

HotTub Tears or The day after Christmas

I woke up this morning with my baby's tiny apple seed sized fingertips resting on the ledge of my bottom lip. He slept next to me on his side hand exaggerated and stretched to reach my mouth. I wonder if he woke up for a moment while I slept or the instinct of reaching for me was a subconscious one. I don't know but it doesn't matter. I'm bursting with purpose 

theres this thing about my life before now not feeling like it had meaning. Which obviously isn't true but that drive before now feels like child's play compartively. 

last night I had a dream I was fired from my job. I have never been fired but once in high school from Texas Roadhouse for too many missed shifts from a shitty hostess position I hated. Last night was different. I walked into an office I felt at home at but was met with boxes at my door. 

 "I'm sorry, we need you to pack your things. Your position is no longer available." 


Awe struck I stood. Confused enough to not move. 

"But you can't fire me. This is my company."  

Was. It was yours. You haven't been putting in the work we know you're capable. Your time in the office is inconsistent. It just doesn't seem like you want to be here so we've opened up the job for someone who does." 

I woke up. 

That was the first time I was awake today. Before I got Ro to eat and bring him into bed with me. H


The second time I went to sleep my eyes wer blinded by a sunset on the beach. Rowan was older and playing in the sand. Nic wasn't there yet though I knew he was coming. Maybe parking the car or off getting us food. My hands were pressed into the moist sand behind me, they didn't have to feel my belly to know again I was pregnant. The perfect kinda day. Just like today, only I woke and this one hadn't happened yet. 

Just a dream. But something living. 

It was my mom who woke me and asked if she could take the baby. The sun was seeping in through my burlap curtains, the rarity of new mama sleeping in offered him up without hesitation. The next round is slumber was silent. 

11:23am- awake officially. I moved slowly within my day. Travis was cuddling Rowan and it made my heart warm. We talked about nothing and walked him through feeding, burping and changing him though I did the final step. Ate leftover Christmas dinner and bites of apple pie for lunch. 

Nic is sick so slept on til nearly 2 before he took over and I got in the hot tub. To be alone. Process. Think on my dreams. Literal to the last 24 hours and long term over the next few years. 

Snow fell.  

The power line buzz nearly a mile away interrupted the stillness.

Just me and my 'want-to-be thinkings. 

Small under water reps and I cry.  

First tricep push-ups and my breath finds home settled deep in my belly instead of hiding high in my chest. Second flutter kicks. Tears start to well up and run. When I reach my arms above my head to stretch my heart rate quickens over simply consciously sitting still. 


Down the Rabbit Hole or Activly Meditating.

Fuck You Hiccups or Needing Freedom