37weeks and PTSD
- Converse All Star Chuck Taylors
- H&M stripped dress
- Leggings- unknown brand/TJ Maxx
- Shawl- Ross, I cut a lot of tags out....what a terrible fashion blogger I am.
August 17th, 2016 1:23am
I like to think this is still the 16th because I have gone to bed yet.
I’m not ready for another day to pass yet.
37weeks and 2 days. It’s a Tuesday.
Bright and sunny outside though I’m just assuming because I actually didn’t interact with it much at all. I’m not even sure where my day went or exactly what I did.
I sent picture to Heather for my Bad Ass Broad’s feature. That one fucked me up real good.
I wrote a #WCW post on her, I need to change that to something else, Fierce Females? Is that Jessey’s thing? Bad Bitches… That one for sure….wonder if it will offend some of the ladies. That’s a personal preference kinda thing.
I haven’t written in a while and the last time I did I committed to. The last 743 times I have I committed to. But I didn’t.
Because I got scared. Stuck is the better word. There are actually three options when it comes to survival mode.
Turns out unless backed into a corner that is my instinctive reaction versus fight like I’d have assumed.
I just get STUCK.
Trapped in my own head playing out every possible scenario and reason why it’s better to just stay here on the couch
tricking me into believing scrolling through Facebook, reading articles aimlessly and doing repetitive household chores is
what I actually want to be doing.
That I am somehow living and using my time wisely.
If I get up off the couch who knows what could happen.
Well…I’m done being stuck. Because I can’t be anymore. Our baby boy is coming in 3 weeks. I have 21 days to create some healthy habits for myself because if he shows up with this being my go to reactions and the EDS hits and my hormones throw me into some sort of post partum depression then I am totally and entirely fucked.
I can not. Will not. Let that happen.
I went in to seduce Nic and we ended up talking about some real heavy shit.
All the things he’s been afraid of which is nothing that I thought it would be.
That something may go down that isn’t exactly this perfect experience I’m planning it to be and I won’t be happy. That he won’t have any way to help or fix it for me. While he didn’t say it, he doesn’t have to, that it could throw me into a spiral.
He’s seen me in some really dark spaces. Watched me uninterferring while I was entirely breaking down. That’s one of those gifts the Universe gave us. That month apart…him in Georgia and me in Wilmington. Where I did a whole lot of nothing and was just sad. And it was okay to be sad. For a minute here at least I’m not really going to have the time to be sad. At least not consciously like it seems I have to do so now is the time to soak this all in.
Make the next session of training on your life about being afraid and sad and scared and just letting it be the experience. Trusting in it’s transformative abilities and know this is just part of our journey. Whatever it is that is, all will be as it’s meant to and it’s just my job to be conscious in creating an intention for peace and contentment.
Breathe girl. I am going to post and share this. With pretty pictures of me doing mama things. That is scary but it’s okay.
I’ll be okay. We all will.
I’lll be back tomorrow though it may not necessarily be here. Writing every day. Creating everyday. Taking care of me well enough to be able to take the very best care of him. I am a good mom. He picked exactly me because I’m his perfect.