Welcome to my happy hippie misadventures of self discovery in artistry, marriage and motherhood merrily carrying the baggage of mental health and an autoimmune disease. I promise to keep things interesting and almost always look damn good while doing it. BTW my baby ruins lives and you'll hate me for my husband. 

Not good enough- EDS & the Ultimate Reset

"But what if it's not good enough and I don't get better?" I said laying face down in our mattress crying and afraid. 

I made it through Day1 of the Ultimate Reset and finished my day with tears. 

i said what if 'its not good enough' but what I really meant was me. 

What if I am not good enough? 

I started really getting sick in February of 2015 after a trip to hot yoga in Scotland. I hadn't practiced in nearly a month since we'd moved to Selby, UK four weeks prior. We hopped over to Edinburgh for a weekend honeymoon getaway and there was a Bikram studio only 2 blocks from our AirBnB spot in downtown. Nic stayed at home in bed and I skipped over to the studio elated toget on my mat. 


Nearing the end of class we were instructed into camel pose; hip distance part on your knees with a hips forward arch in your back. After settling into an easy version of it the aggressive male teacher with a goatee and glasses came over top of me and demanded I push to my full potential." I pushed further, felt powerful and spent the remainder of the day walking all over freezing cold Edinburgh under over cast skies. From our apartment to the tattoo parlor then through parks built into hillsides, to the gates of the palace and up the Royal Mile ending at the castle before making it back to our temporary blue doored home again. 

The following morning I awoke barely able to walk and Nic basically carried me to the car. From there we drove 6 hours back to North Yorkshire England and just over a week after flew across the world from Manchester to Idaho. Less than three weeks after that we drove 37 hours from Idaho to North Carolina basically nonstop. At that point I couldn't comfortably do nothing but lay on our mattress on the floor. 

 #EhlersDanlosSyndrome is a genetic connective tissue disorder; hereditary and laying dormant in my DNA. When in situations of extreme high stress or trauma, it can be activated. 

With everything else going on in my life at the time, the pushing too far into my spine was the final breaking point. I've been sick since. It will be two years at the end of February and since then I've been dealing with daily extreme chronic pain and unexplainable fatigue. Each morning and night I rate my discomfort on the traditional medical pain scale. Since pregnancy, a good day puts me at a 4 or 5 to begin...I can't tell you the last time I crawled into bed at less than 8. 

I cant keep living like this.  

i need to get Healthy. 

i need to get better. 

Thus why I am doing the Ultimate Reset. I had to start somewhere on this journey and figured I could shock my system into health.  


Fuck This Detox - Day8

The landing of my Son or Rowan's Birth Story Part2