Rowan snores next to me sleeping on his belly. I tried to wake Nic from the couch to join us but he seems in a nightmare like place upon touching so I let him be.
he’s leaving today.
He’ll be gone until Thanksgiving.
it hurts me.
The concept of not having him everyday.
Of Rowan not getting dad playing and trying to be a good mom when it’s all on me.
Nic is an anomaly.
A next level involvement of fatherhood like I have never seen.
I didn’t change a diaper for the first nine days of our sons life. It likely would have been longer had work not interfered.
In 14months I’ve never stayed up all night with our baby sick. “Go back to bed baby, I’ve got it.” It’s just who he is.
I won’t be a single parent and I’m damn sure to make that distinction. I can call and text and guaranteed there will be daily FaceTime. But the act of parenting, as of today, is a solo endeavor. I fear our standards of life for Rowan may drop significantly juts because is several ways I feel like he’s better at this than me.
Hes patience by far out weighs mine and his stamina puts mine to shame. Some days it hurts for Rowan to even touch me and I’m alone with carrying duties.
The logistics is all I’ve been able to see because I know the missing is going to put a hole in me. I haven’t been able to even glance at that part of things because ignoring it has helped to make the idea feel easy.
Rationally, this is the next best place we should be. That much has come through so clearly. I’m choosing to trust and stay connected and breathe.
We can do hard things.