Though unspoken, the plan has always been in some way or another to go back out on the road.
Though never like this.
Never ever like this.
When we first got together we had explicit conversations about how we'd do whatever it takes to never be apart. Why even be together if that was the case? We could, we would, always make it work.
Five short days from now Nic gets in his car to drive to Portland and we stay here.
Five god damn days
Until he's 9hours away and we're here.
If it were just the three of us, things would be different. If we had just Ro it'd be easy to pack up our life into a storage unit again then follow him anywhere.
I said those words to him 10 years ago when I was 19 years old before we were us and the concept of together couldn't even be conceive in a different lifetime future.
Nic, I'll follow you anywhere.
It's so vivid the way he bounced back and forth looking individually in each pupil as terror set in before his light shut down. He told me to leave and I laid on the floor of my brothers truck with my head on the seat crying so hard he had to pull over so I could throw up. It felt like a hole of knowing was burning inside me.
My soul fully comprehending what homesick really means.
I thought I'd given up then.
That I'd stuff that hole full of other men and feelings to make it recede. Not understanding how those ocean blue eyes could have such a hold on me. We didn't talk. I didn't see him. Never sought out. A scabbed over wound aching.
Every year or so we'd be collided back together.
The feeling of home never changing but I grew more myself and eventually stopped bleeding.
12 hours together here
a drunken night slow dancing in the road there
Just small trips home for our soul before seperating again.
Him always leaving to somewhere so far away.
Me going back to finding me.
It wasn't until I'd found a place of healing internally when he came seeking. For the first time him recongnizing the home sick feeling.
For the first time, me, unwanting.
He fought for me.
Despite his fears he tore off his scabs and for the first time bled for me. Let me really see. I tried with everything to ignore and deter it but my soul couldn't let go of the knowing of what it's like to feel FREE.
I'm home sick already.
Tears roll out of my eyes without blinking.
I don't know the words he said but felt torn open again with my fingers in his hair while he whispered words of comfort to my belly. Talking quietly to our second baby. The being anchoring me while he goes back out into the world to keep fighting.
We keep breathing. We keep healing. Our wounds have long quit bleeding. Souls understanding a bigger journey. Something we can't yet see. I'm just trusting. Believing.
If we've made it here, we can make it through anything.