Welcome to my happy hippie misadventures of self discovery in artistry, marriage and motherhood merrily carrying the baggage of mental health and an autoimmune disease. I promise to keep things interesting and almost always look damn good while doing it. BTW my baby ruins lives and you'll hate me for my husband. 

Integrating and Sorting Papers - April 24th, 2016

I had an amazing session with my counselor today. I feel like we got to just shuffle out some papers. Just a couple of weeks ago I sat in her office, scratch that...I lay on the floor in her office. If I am playing out my crazy making sense visuals it might as well be accurate.

So I am laying there this day I am pretty sure with my legs at a 90 degree angle on the seat of a chair while she sat on her office chair back in the corner near her door because in that room, on that floor, I am in charge. That's what I pay her for. 

We were talking about the 'warehouse'. This expansive dusty, dark windowed place that I clearly visualized in my brain for a few weeks. During the day while I my mom super hero mode I handled life and daily activities just fine. When the sun went down and Ro settled into sleep I would without choice push open the sticky hinges of this warehouse space to clean. 

When I first entered into the space it was overwhelming. Just shit. Nothing and everything all over the place. Newspaper over windows and boxes in corners. There was one side with barrels. Industrial, rusted metal 50 gallon drum barrels. I have no idea what the fuck was in those, pretty sure I cleaned that mess up in my sleep, but the only visual I can relate to is some fucked up true life murder show I watched where someone kept bodies in a storage locker in those same ones. 

Now I am thinking about Jessey melted the body in the bathtub and through the ceiling on Breaking Bad. It is so not okay that I have these visuals in my head. I am going to be really conscious of what I'm watching while Ro is around. 

I am going to be really conscious of what I watch while I am around. That's not okay that I care to protect his mind and aura more than mine. We deserve better than that. 

Also I say we because there are different versions of me that live in my head. I'm like a collective or a board meeting if you will. I did this incredible board meeting mediation with my Jaidyn this last weekend. It was about being the CEO of your life and energy. During when asked if you were seated at the head of the table my answer was no. I sat to the right. And not to the immediate either...a couple seats off. The person at the head was my highest self. She wears lose fitting cut off shorts, a graphic tea and a blacker with wedge hightop sneakers. Red lipstick and multicolored dreads. I want to be her. 

I am her. 

But I'm not yet....

but I am because time is just a construct. 

ya know? 

This is some next level hippie shit. 

Anyway...back to the board meeting. So this bad bitch is at the head of the table right and I'm sitting there looking at her totally wanting her and trusting her in that seat. It felt like relief. Jaidyn instructed us to reclaim the CEO chair and I was like, "naahhh..." 

To the immediate right of her is mother me. She isn't really anything...just this sparkly energy. Like an outline of a soul, it's just the edges of her because even during the meetings I don't think her whole self is all the way there. She's always with them...my babies. Keeping them safe. 

Sitting to her left is this artist incarnate. It's not very far from me right now...this kinda hologram almost. But it's someone who's vying to be heard. I say 'its' because there is no construct to the space outside of authentic creativity, it smells like inspiration and looks like me but also a little boy and sunshine. It's ready and waiting a turn to be heard. I feel like the two of us will integrate and take over one seat very soon. 

Then I am sitting. Third from the front. I am content and at peace exactly where I am at. 

I do not move chairs. 

I sit observantly in the center right where I can take inventory of all that's happening around me. It's not always a quiet or orderly meeting some version are just there to make a mess of things. I've creating a relationship of respect and good report with most all of them.

I feel safe with that beautiful dread headed girl at the head of the table. 

I have such little of my lifetime, this lifetime, for Mother to be second in command. It's the choice I made this go around, to tether myself to other souls. She's exactly where she's currently meant to be. 

I trust in their leadership, patience and clarity. 

Seeing the unheard artist, with a very clear and tenacious 7 year old self aware energy...this meditation made me back the fuck off and give her space to play. 

Did you forget we were meditating too? What a beautiful trip into my head. I didn't pay attention to the others at the table or see who else was there but I could feel most of them. I will take more time to go back and learn them too. It was over so quickly. 

It changed the way I am going to live my life. If you are open to it, one little 5 minute chunk of your time can change everything, instantly, just like that. 

I'm impressed how easily I slipped into that place even while holding Ro in my space. Then again he kinda just calms down and sits. He gets the vibes. 

So back to the warehouse....I first had the vision and began working on cleaning it over three weeks ago. Like I said, it was littered with nonsensical things but I had this compulsive need to look at every single thing. Not stare at it, just brush over briefly. I didn't want to miss anything or throw away something I would rather be categorized. All the bits and pieces of broken nothing memories. It's funny how a nothing day actually is a something day in your subconscious. There are things that helped to define me that were a tiny blimp on the radar. My childhood nemesis making fun of my shoes, Sketchers I thought were really cool, in the 6th grade locker room. That has kept me from purchasing shoes I've liked because they didn't feel good enough. Connecting the dots. 

There were fliers for concerts I'd been to. A wall covered in keystone beer boxes from a house I partied in every weekend one semester in college. The barrels in the corner I think were even just those traumatic and horrifically violent TV images. Did you know that statistically if watching prime time by the time a child is 12 years old they will have witnessed 10,000 murders? Whether fictionally depicted or not...the content processed is still the same. Cleaning up the warehouse I have learned just how much I didn't even remember I forgot is still here somewhere in my head. 

I feel clearer than I have in my entire life. I also feel more settled and at peace than I ever have. It's just a normal, boring Monday night. I am laying on the murphy bed in my studio office writing in the silence on my laptop. I need water and can go to the sink to easily fill my drink. The sweater on my arms feels like home. I am distracted by my rock of a wedding ring. My boys are sleeping, Ro in his crib and Nic in our bed. Thena is laying on the ground by my feet. My mom randomly stopped over to visit today and I ate healthy all day. 

I forgot to eat enough and ended up with Shakeology for dinner at nearly 11pm but I can still stand by the first statement- I was healthy all the way. I wanted the Papa Murphy's pizza in my freezer but I handled my business. 

My warehouse project is coming along nicely.
I feel confident at the Goddess managing Shante' Inc. 
Body is healing. 
Soul is cleansing. 
Mind is processing. 

I feel at ease. 

Thanks for listening. 

xx- Te' 

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