I'm no even sure I know what that means.
At the beginning of 2017 in an opiate induced haze I meditated naked. I pulled the big sliding glass doors to our backyard open and in the chill of January got present with flakes of snow melting on my skin.
Where am I going?
What am I doing?
Please, Help Me.
God Damn Revolution and Sweet Surrender
was the answer.
2017; the year I let go of surviving.
Today someone said the last year it seemed like I was really depressed.
Its hit me like a shot of vodka. Burning all the way down, instantly the world feels different.
Was I depressed? I am now?
I'm not even sure.
Why have we, do we feel the need, to so distinctly define our feelings?
Like 'depression' is a definitive place to be. A rock you can stand on, a location on a map.
I haven't really processed last year...I haven't really processed anything since motherhood has hit. I've just been moving. Releasing. Working. Digging into all of me.
This time last year I called and made my first appointment with Jill. Counseling.
Some more of that self help bullshit I couldn't possibly need.
I was so afraid to actually see me. I thought it would be all the shame and judging. The ways I felt guilty. The things I'd done that felt dirty.
Looking the girl I've been I just felt sad mostly.
I wanted to hug her.
Tell her how much none of it was her fault and how the people who should have been there didn't know any better. To look closely when she drew something and listen intently to her stories. Validate that what she had, has, to offer is meaningful. To remind her....you matter.
My baby came and told Jaidyn something for me... "I'm not old like Rowan. I'm ancient like a river..." Its just tonight after Nic explained my resistance to experience that I received the other stanza of messaging. I asked what surrendering felt like and he gave it so clearly...
I'm ancient like a river and the ocean.
You're a whale and the salmon.
He's all encompassing. I'm a force but within his energy. He carries and holds me.
When asked what he feels like I've been lost in explaining.
Rowan was, is, feels so easy. Im good karma coming back to me. My million year old yogi baby. He came to me two years ago today as himself, a leather tanned amazon man in his 80s sitting cross legged beneath trees I've never seen. He has 6 teeth and laughs at me. Like Rifiki on Lion King, understanding things I have yet to start experiencing. I trust him. He's here to teach me. I have little baring on the human he is here to be. My responsibility is to hold space and keep him safe. Of him, I feel worthy.
This baby inside me is like lightning in a jar.
Thunder rumbling unexpectedly followed by shock waves.
In the fall of last year the whole world was purging.
The earth quaked. The sea raged. Everything was burning.
That's his energy.
He chose me.
Maybe this.....this feeling of awe and deciding to trust in his knowing...maybe this, is surrendering.