Welcome to my happy hippie misadventures of self discovery in artistry, marriage and motherhood merrily carrying the baggage of mental health and an autoimmune disease. I promise to keep things interesting and almost always look damn good while doing it. BTW my baby ruins lives and you'll hate me for my husband. 

The Most Pregnant - 38weeks2days & Feeling Guilty

The Most Pregnant - 38weeks2days & Feeling Guilty

This is the most pregnant I have ever been.  

38weeks and 2 days.  


I had contractions Friday night pretty intensely in the exact time frame I had been pregnant with Rowan. Since then they’re pretty steady through out the day but nothing consistent. 

We went to Build-a-Bear tonight for a gift from the baby to my first boy. Nic said I can’t call him my favorite boy anymore because it’s confusing. 

I wasn’t ready for him to not be my only baby yet.  

I think that’s what I was most angry about...not Ro getting kicked to the role of big bro, not being ready for any of it when I’d just got what felt like “my life” outside of motherhood back.  

Yesterday in the phone my mom asked me if I was afraid to be “only a mom”. Fear is not the right emotion...attempting to articulate the only thing really coming is a need for passion that I don’t find in my role of motherhood. Is that because I’m not cultIvating it there or that it doesn’t fulfill that creative and insatiable urge? It feels like the later is a more aligned answer. 

my esophagus is spasming. 

Body is so distracting.  

I’ve fallen in love with baby moving inside of me. His feet and knees kick full swing.  

Its his arms cradled around his face, that feeling gets me.  

I have allowed myself feeling opening with inviting guilty through most of this journey. The one feeling I regret and carry a lot of weight on is my reaction to movement for the first 35weeks. It hurt.

It was an unwelcomed experience. 

Consciously I allow myself to I write that honestly and again, feel guilty. 

For weeks he’d shot a hand down and my reaction thinking was “ugh. What the fuck do you want from me?”  


3 weeks ago things shifted when I thought we might be heading into the hospital early. Thanks to hormone high, for the first time I was elated. Ready to meet this person.  

35weeks along and for the first time open to really connecting.  

38weeks and 2 days. I’ve never been this pregnant before. Nic says he thinks we’ve still got days. Shayna’s energy has shifted subtly and who knows what’s happening with her instincts.  

Our birth tub is blown up. We got in it and discussed pros and cons of different models. I’m someone who has a preferred model of birth tub all of a sudden. Also a preference in Depends style. 

I feel powerful in how I’ve handled this whole process. I’m educated in my choices and am taking full ownership of my experience. 

This went off in a tangent.  

Ive been off social media for five days and most of what I’ve gained is the zero fucks attitude on my creating for myself needing to be anything, least of all entertaining.  

This is for me that I’m writing.  

That feels aligned in a new way.  

Another contraction is coming. 

Nics watching John Oliver and politics is seeping into my safe space. Time for music and drowning that out with meditating.  

38weeks and 2 days.  

We’re on your time baby.  

You’re also my fav.  

Laboring, Alien Jizz and Waiting- 38weeks6days

Laboring, Alien Jizz and Waiting- 38weeks6days

Purging & Taking a Social Media Break - 37weeks5days