Welcome to my happy hippie misadventures of self discovery in artistry, marriage and motherhood merrily carrying the baggage of mental health and an autoimmune disease. I promise to keep things interesting and almost always look damn good while doing it. BTW my baby ruins lives and you'll hate me for my husband. 

Humbling Myself & Clearing Out Space

I did a session with Nancy today. 

My Fairy Godmother.

I laugh in this moment over how much I worry I won't be supported in new life shifts then I remember the meeting of my Nancy. 

How she seemed to appear out of thin air to hand me exactly what I was seeking. Like a gate keeper holding the key. I haven't ever asked but I wonder what she saw when I walked in the door that day. I wonder if she knew what was ready to release. I do know I surprised her with the courage in which I met myself on the mat. Recalling that day now I could feel that. Someone supporting me with a gentle and reverent admiring.

She made me feel seen. 

Today we did a session while I laid in bed cradling my stomach. She worked healing both me and baby. He told her things to help us in helping his transitioning and I felt ease in knowing welcoming a new experience was an open possibility. 

It's hard to believe it's be only three and a half years since I walked into that yoga studio; subconsciously late attempting to miss the class time so I could leave instead of processing. No worries, she was waiting for me outside the room a little behind on her own timeline. I don't remember checking in or what I said, I don't think I was there, but once she handed me the stack of cards to pick from I landed in my body. 

"I forgive myself" 

"What the fuck do I do with this?"

Thoughts of an impending pointless cupcake appointment pulling on my attention. Why is this my reality? How could I possibly even begin on what that even means? 

"Just try it." she said. 

I didn't know her name yet. I'm sure she offered it but I didn't have any hands left for picking up extra stuff. 

On my mat I find myself. This, is the very first time I will see myself with loving eyes. 

My mat becomes my sanctuary this day with my Nancy guiding me. 

"Now settle in. When you're ready, close your eyes and just breathe...." 

What the fuck am I doing?
The voice just keeps talking...

Her voice overpowers and I follow instructions.

"Now, in this space of meditation, repeat the affirmation gifted to yourself." 

I can see the card hazey in my hands. They look so different than they do now, the skin bare yet to be decorated with ink and they're slightly shaking. I don't know how long that has been happening. It's interesting the mantra from the affirmation card that's so clearly burned in my head is not actually what the card said. In the days following ordering the same deck of cards was one of my very first steps in seeking tools to guide me. 

Interesting that it's not what the card said but look back in my mind eye now and can still read it. 

"I forgive myself. I am enough. I free myself to love myself." 

In the instant the phrase was unfinished everything, shifted. Two tectonic plates breaking free, shaking everything, altering the landscape. 

My closed eyes stared pouring tears, my chest physically caved in and the inside of my head was animalistic, primal, screaming. 

The next hour is only just a feeling. A releasing, Opening. The small beginnings of a tree bursting forth from a seed. 

It feels important to mention it included the most incredible fully extended side planking that will forever live infamously in my happy memory bank. That's when the hestarical laugher interrupted the sobbing because outside of that exact moment, none of it mattered, nothing. 

Something in me, a castle I had been hiding in, came down crashing. 

The end of class I laid in racking sobs with snot and tears covering my face, chest and shirt. 

"Did it work?" she asked me. 

I laughed then told her what I was processing. 

"Can I offer you a healing?" 

"Yes. Please. I'll take anything. I don't know what I'm doing." 

I got her name eventually. My Nancy. 

I wonder if she knew then what she was offering. How embedded she would be in my, our, journey. I can't imagine how I'd have traversed my way to creating this little family if it weren't for her holding my hand and guiding me. 

The theme that's been given for this transition is surrender. 
Trusting blindly. 

Nancy is proof that something is there to catch me when I'm ready. 
I am not alone on this journey. 
Resisting is getting exhausting. 

Faith in uncertainty for it holds all open possibility. 

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