Hi. 
Welcome to my happy hippie misadventures of self discovery in artistry, marriage and motherhood merrily carrying the baggage of mental health and an autoimmune disease. I promise to keep things interesting and almost always look damn good while doing it. BTW my baby ruins lives and you'll hate me for my husband. 
Namaste.
luv/Te' 

I’m Not Okay & I’m Living My Dreams

 

Rowan knocked his tooth out tonight. One of the first four. I plucked him off the stairs when he started screaming. I was afraid he’d fallen all the way to the bottom and his leg was broken.  

Spidered three or four steps down. I sometimes forget how athlete he is. Dude was straight up spider gripping with his toes holding himself on. Blood was pouring out of his mouth. I was yelling for Nic what felt like minutes before her responded though it was obviously 4 seconds or the amount of time it took him to pull up his pants, exit Clans and flush. His tooth was obviously gone. 

 

I’m proud of the team we are in moment like that. We get clear and focused and efficient. I wish we’d taken more of a moment after it was all done. I’m having a hard time breathing. My focus on my self care is slipping.

 

Facebook is definitely going away.  I fucking hate that place. I’m going to try calling Jenny again tomorrow. Maybe I’ll email her. Also Val to help me with writing. More people helping with the babies. 

 

In bed saying I’m shut up but still ToDo listing. I’m so tired. I need to rest more. To trust that what’s mine is already here. The affirmation Jill gave me was

“It’s normal to freak out.”

“It’s normal to feel this way” is actually what I’m pretty sure she told me to say but my interpretation is more me.  

This is just a whole lot

of

rambling but at least I’m writing.  

It reminds me to keep breathing and at that, I’m failing.  

It feels amazing for my family, this little

one that I’m building, to be truly slipping into a space that’s my main focus. That it’s starting to function that way versus being something I claim. I am clearing so much God damn space it’s crazy. The relationships I’m removing is equally freeing and heart breaking. 

Thats where I’m not okay. And that’s okay. 

In the back of my head a voice says it’s got to get worse first. That’s not something I want to create. The monster just seems to be knocking.  Scratching at the door trying to get me to believe all the bad things I feel and say if I’m not being vigilant about focusIng on high frequency energy. 

 

I’m ready to be home.

I want my boys and my Nic, us.

Alone in our own space.  

I want to get up to feed my baby in the middle of the night naked and watch a movie all cuddled on our couch. I desperately want to take Rowan to the Tran car adventure up the mountain.

I want to inhale the green off the wet sidewalk, taste the trees.  

 

Take me home.  

PLEASE.  

I am ready.  

 

July 24th, 2018.   Val & Woody’s basement. 12:18am  

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Laboring, Alien Jizz and Waiting- 38weeks6days

Laboring, Alien Jizz and Waiting- 38weeks6days